I need to get this off of my chest (no pun intended). If I sound mad, it’s because I am. However, I will do this once and only once, and then I’m done, I promise. I just need to get this out.
Something that has just blown my mind since day 1 of getting pregnant, is the debate between breastfeeding or formula feeding your baby. Suddenly, everyone I know was asking if I was going to breastfeed, and initially, my answer was no. I was formula fed, as I mentioned before, and, knew nothing of babies or the world accompanying them. To me, formula was an acceptable choice, and I didn’t see what the big deal was. After all, it was my boobs, my baby, and our family we were talking about, it should be my decision, right?
Wrong. I was barraged. By nurses, well-meaning friends, strangers, articles, bus advertisements, everything right on down to the formula samples I got in the mail said “Breast is Best!”. People said “just try it”, and “your baby deserves the best”. Not wanting to let the world or my baby down, I decided to hold off and make my decision when he was born – and when he was born, I decided to breastfeed. I did my research. I understand there are numerous benefits to breastfeeding and breastmilk. I also support anyone I know that breastfeeds. I believe it’s a great thing, if it’s something that works for your family and you desire to do so.
But mama….is it really THAT big of an argument? Read the following article to see how out of hand this has gotten. Unless I’m missing something and men generally lactate, I find this totally and utterly ridiculous:
I admit, everything went well, so I thought, for a short while. This is where I stop my story, though, because I’ve made a vow to myself to stop feeling like I need to rationalize the decision I made. Every time someone asks me if I nursed Baby D I spill into this ramble about our story and my thought process and why I stopped. I was usually met with a “well did you try this?” or “could you have done this?” I finally realized – I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. It didn’t work for our family, and as a family, it’s a decision that WE made. Explaining my circumstances would never lead anyone to feel what I felt or what we dealt with as a family behind closed doors. Frankly, I’m not even sure it’s anyone’s business.
That being said, since we’ve been on formula, I have heard some pretty shitty things in likely and unlikely places, and for the most part I’ve learned to let it roll off of my back. But the sanctimonious one-upping really pisses me off, especially when it implies that I am harming my child or re-writing the course of his life by using formula. Which is too bad, you know, because Baby D could have been president, but he’ll likely fail out of college and end up taking orders at McDonalds because I couldn’t hack the boob thing.
In that case, do you think that the next time I screw up at my job I could just tell my boss that I’m formula fed, and that if only I had been breastfed my IQ would be a little higher?
No. Because it’s totally stupid and ridiculous. I am absolutely sickened by the time I’ve wasted on the guilt I’ve had and hearing about the guilt placed on other new mothers that are just trying to do what they can, the best they know how. I sometimes feel as though I am wearing a “Scarlet F” – or that I don’t belong to the good mama club. You know, supporting breastfeeding does not need to equal bashing formula feeding. Just as supporting formula feeding does not mean you need to bash breastfeeding. The two are not mutually exclusive, and in my opinion, it all does more harm than good. Support does not need to always come in the form of influence. Support should be positive, factual, helpful.
That being said, I know where the guilt comes from, and it’s fueled in part by comments such as those you can read below (which are all things I have heard/read/or both…..seriously).
- Giving a baby formula is like letting them ride in the car without a car seat.
- No, it’s not. Because feeding my baby formula won’t send him flying through a windshield. Next?
- If you can’t sacrifice your body for another year for your baby’s sake, you don’t deserve to be a mother.
- I sacrificed for him for 9+ months so he could grow into the cute little guy he is now, and am still sacrificing after delivery in ways that will make you cringe. Breastfeeding for the purpose of being able to tell everyone how much pain and stress I have endured on account of my baby would not make me a better mother it would only make me sound like a bitch. Want to know how bad of a mom I am?? I got an epidural to AVOID the pain…to which I can guarantee my son will not give a shit.
- You can’t bond with your baby when you’re not breastfeeding.
- Tell that to my mother and father that adopted me at the age of 3 months – after I had been fed formula by hospital staff, foster parents, and God knows who else for the first formative months of my existence. I dare you. Every time I feed Baby D and he stares into my (or Papa D’s) eyes smiling until the bottle falls out of his mouth, I know whole heartedly that this argument is a total load of bullshit.
- You just didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed. You could have done x, y, z…..
- What is exactly does trying hard enough look like? How much stress should you endure before you realize that you are sabotaging your relationship with your baby? Where exactly is this proverbial line, and is it honestly the same for everyone? No one can answer this for me.
- Formula is a public health issue. It shouldn’t be a choice, and it should require a prescription. Breastfeeding saves 900 babies each year.
- I have read the report and having done quite a bit of research in my own life, I have serious concerns with the methodology that provided that statistic. But if you must have something to fight for, do you know what would save a lot more lives? Teaching our kids to eat food that doesn’t come from a box or a drive thru for the other potential 80+ years they will be alive. That smoking is horrendous for your health and the health of those around you. That when you get in a car, you put your seatbelt on. But you want to know what really concerns me most of all? In 2005, 899,000 children were victims of abuse and neglect…to which 2000 of them died. Actually died. I would think that I, as a real-food making, non-smoking, seatbelt wearing, LOVING MOTHER….should be OFF of the “concern” radar.
- If you aren’t going to breastfeed, you should use donor milk.
- No, I shouldn’t. Because although human milk is nature’s most perfect food for babies (see, I can read…which is surprising, being that I was formula fed and all), it requires you to trust other humans in regard to things such as reporting infectious diseases, using prescription and non-prescription drugs, properly handling and storing milk, and being cautious of chemical contaminants. Trusting other people is difficult though, when they do things like this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29498350/ns/us_news-weird_news/t/woman-has-meltdown-over-mcnuggets/
- Don’t you want the best for your baby?
- Are you serious?! Of course I do. I want beyond the best for my baby and I want him to be happy. Part of what I feel is the absolute best for my baby, is a happy mama. A happy mama, and happy baby, is not what we had.
Lastly, I think the reason the one-upping really bothers me is because I don’t care what method anyone uses to feed their babies. I just don’t. You know why? I have seen thousands of pictures of beautiful, healthy, well-fed babies on your Facebook pages and on the Christmas cards I get in the mail in December. To me, it looks like you’re all doing a ridiculously great job raising them. I fully trust that you all are making the decisions that are right for your families and specifically your babies, regardless of what those decisions are. And if you need a little support, breast or bottle feeding, I am here for you.
To all of you that are reading,
You are a great mama, the best your baby will ever know. You are doing an amazing job. You are doing what is right for your family, or you wouldn’t be doing it. Even if it’s not what’s right for my family, I understand, and I support you.
Love,
Mama D
mamasetfree 
I have come to find that either way, my kids have turned out extremely healthy and happy. I have 3 separate stories regarding the choices I made for my children and in a way, it was kinda fun. When you have baby #2, its like a second chance to do some things different. Whether its “I will never buy all these clothes again, or a type of bottle or diaper bag! I was totally formula fed and I may have some screws loose, I am still very healthy.
With Nate, I didn’t make it past a week. Andy was deployed, I was alone, first baby, bad latch, I wanted a real bra, and I was 23……I wanted a beer sometimes. Selfish? Maybe, but you can’t take care of a baby if you can’t take care of yourself. Not that the beer and bra are critical needs, lol. With Audrey, I stuck it out for 1 mo. That was long for me. I got a different pump, ate different, educated myself on it, but then again, I wanted a beer, a real bra………during the next 3 years I was in nursing school and learned even more about it, so when I found out about Collin, I was all for it. Since I knew he was my last one, I made sure to do bust out the tat in public so I can be one of those “liberating” breast feeding mothers (not really) but I lasted 5 months.
After awhile, you just listen to what others say and compare to your experience and use your best judgment. You will categorize different types of moms and just accept it too, lol. We raise our kids with our own instincts and its so awesome being able to see them grow into little people……and formula doesn’t F em in the long run………our grandparents fed their kids evaporated milk for crying out loud! Barf! haha. But they too, turned out ok. Don’t stress, I have formula on my grocery list and I am excited because its probably the last one for him before Vit. D milk! This experience is short lived. Now, your next topic will be on carseats. Those moms are ridonkulous!
I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said. Who cares if you breastfeed or formula feed? WHAT. IS. THE. BIG. DEAL? I think what matters most is that you do what is best for you and your family and it sounds like that is EXACTLY what you are doing, so no worries! In general, I think people have good intentions and they think sharing their opinion is going to be helpful rather than obnoxious and unnecessary but at some point we just need to tune out the BS and go on with what we know works best for us. I think you are doing just that my dear!
Awesome read!!
I too hate the breastfeeding militant! Like you, I was never that interested to begin with. I was breast fed and don’t have a third eye or anything. But when we got closer to our due date I decided to give it a try. Why not? DISASTER! The actual mechanics of baby to breast worked great for us, but you can’t pull water from a stone! Not only am I incapable of getting my supply up, but Ollie (like me) turned out to be lactose-intolerant. Even though they are valid reasons not to breastfeed, some people still made me feel pretty bad about my self. Somehow less of a mother, because I refused to simultaneously starve and poison my child! When baby number 2 came 6 months ago, I gave it a second try. I didn’t want to let the hang up’s of the first time hold me back. Thankfully, Eva isn’t intolerant, but unfortunately I still couldn’t get my supply up. So I supplemented for 3 months (like I said I would from the beginning, and those months were exhausting!) then moved on. Guilt free, with two beautiful, healthy children:)
all too true! But I was formula fed too so maybe I’m wrong! I won’t tell u my bf story, we already know it ended in tears, frustration, failure. When do we ever get asked if we were bf or ff? At school? On exams? At college? At doctor’s office to diagnose? If it so important to development and protective against health issues I don’t understand why not. If ff maybe u could automaticlly apply for funding for educational assistance cause you obviously have some learning disorder. Or maybe get financial aide for medical expenses since your parents were so neglective. Why doesn’t the government go all the way if bf so beneficial and ff so detrimental? Because it all propaganda and not actually satisfactory scientifically proven. It’s just a choice and babies will thrive bf or ff and babies will get sick if bf or ff and babies will have learning issues if ff or bf and mothers will bond if ff or bf. Babies will die if not fed. Simple. There are so many other factors (nature, nurture etc) which determine a childs outcome which some bf advocates ignore.